I don’t believe I was a “mean” kid

To begin, I’ve leaned into this as apart of my story for a long time. It was common to joke about how mean I was so I adopted that too. It was always easier to go along with it than make a scene and reinforce the “bad kid” box. 

I wasn’t bad, I was sick. I wasn’t mean, I didn’t have the tools. I wasn’t nasty, I didn’t feel heard if I was quiet. I wasn’t violent, I was feeding off of energy. I was a kid. 

I tried not to take it personally. A lot of what I did wasn’t effective. Maybe that’s what they meant. Surely that’s what they meant. But if I challenged it or questioned it, then people will have to walk on eggshells, further putting me in the box. 

So, being a kid whose development was stunted because of the disorder, I leaned into it. You want to say I was mean? I’ll show you mean. 

As I grew up and started using skills and learning the power of accountability, I did that. I took accountability of more than my actions. I took accountability of all the dysfunction, because I was mean and now I’m not. See how good I can be?

Moving away, people didn’t know I was mean or nasty. But I was sure to let them know. If I told people, they’d be even more impressed because I’m a success story, right? 

Then I had people challenge my mean-ness. Were you bad? Or were you sick? I hated when they challenged it but couldn’t put my finger on why. I’d brush it off. They didn’t know how bad I was. They don’t have room for an opinion. 

As time went on and I built a community, I started to ask myself the same questions. It was frightening. Who is Taylor? But just as importantly, why do I still feel she is bad? So I started exploring. 

I wasn’t bad. I was a kid. I wasn’t a nasty person who had an eating disorder that was described like the devil. I was a person who was hurting.

I don’t like being told how nasty or selfish or mean or bad I was. Because that little girl is still me. She deserves to be protected and loved. 

My success isn’t rooted in how bad I was, because I wasn’t bad. It is rooted in my kindness, my excitement for life, my determination, my goodness.