You’re Allowed to Not Like Me

I am okay if people don’t like me. Not in the way of “if they don’t like me, they can be wrong” but in the way of other people are truly allowed to not like me. If they don’t like me, that doesn’t reflect on whether or not I like myself. Often when people are working on loving themselves, caring for themselves, and respecting themselves, they come to this chapter of self love. At first glance, it’s almost as if the pendulum swing from self hate to radical self love, which looks amazing until we become a bit more curious. I would argue that the pendulum swung from self hate to something completely different, though still rooted in lacking confidence. Something more like avoidance of reality.

I may be reading into the whole issue more than necessary, but if we see everyone who views us negatively as “bad” or “wrong,” aren’t we more impacted than if we allowed them to just have their feelings about us? In my experience, we as humans have a very natural and normal want to be liked or seen in a positive light. When we paint others as wrong or bad for not liking us, it feels very defensive to me. I would much rather experience life from a stance of truly enjoying myself regardless of what others believe (because they have the right to) than feel defensive or even entitled that others see our worth.

So, what do I do if someone doesn’t like me? First, I reflect on whether or not I did something harmful to them. Not whether or not I intended to cause harm, but if the impact was harmful. If it was, I can take accountability for that. I can also accept that my harm, intentional or not, gives them the right to not like me. I am not entitled to changing someone’s mind on how they see me after I have caused harm. If they’re open to repair, amazing! If not, it’s radical acceptance time.

Once I reflect, if no harm was done that I am aware of, I may feel confused or frustrated. Actually, I will most likely feel this way. Like I said, we all want to be liked and seen through a positive lens. I have the right to feel these things and that doesn’t mean I have to chalk it up to them being wrong. Others have the right to simply not like me. Although it can be uncomfortable, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect or hope that everyone likes me. Honestly, I think it would reflect more poorly on me if everyone did like me!

I had a rough year or two in regards to learning this lesson. I tried really hard to make others see me through a lens that felt good to me. I cried a LOT because I just wanted these people to see that just because I do something they wouldn’t, doesn’t mean I am disrespectful, selfish, etc. I was so incredibly defensive of my worth. It wasn’t until I accepted that my worth isn’t something to defend, that I found peace. I don’t think that translated into simply not caring how others saw me. It did make me self abandon less. It did make me add emotional space in relationships that I felt that I needed to defend my worth in. It did make relationships look very different then they have in the past.

Recognizing, allowing, and accepting that others can see us however they do came with grief. It felt that the love or admiration others had for me was conditional on whether or not I pleased them with my actions. I started using the mantra “it’s not my job to convince them of my character.” That mantra carried me through the grief and reminded me to love myself first and act in a way that felt respectful to my sense of self. Others are allowed to misinterpret me. Others are allowed to see my actions through their perception of reality. That doesn’t mean their perception is wrong. That means that it is their perception, it doesn’t have to be mine.

This whole post doesn’t make me holier than thou or the guru to self love. I know that there are situations I have royally messed up. I know that I have caused harm. Those situations do not indicate my self-worth. I will always be learning and growing into a different or better Taylor, that’s just how life works. I believe that nobody stays stagnant forever. My relationship with myself is sacred, complicated, and something I have worked so hard on. I find peace in accepting that others may not feel the same about me as I feel about me. It is freeing to not avoid the reality that other have the right to not like me. If someone doesn’t like me, who am I to tell them they’re wrong?

With Love,

Tay